The Thousandth Letter
by fujoshisx2
Summary: It's been two years since Otoya's confession. Two years and Tokiya is still avoiding this topic. 'Anonymous Admirer' has been sending Otoya letters for these two years. When the thousandth letter came, everything will unravel...
1. Chapter 1

**_Otoya_**

It's been two years since my confession to him, two years after our debut. How long will he go on avoiding this topic? I wondered to myself. He always acted so cool, like nothing had happened between us that day. He told me that he liked me back but couldn't date me. But then, he never told me why when I inquired for the reason. He simply looked away, and changed the subject,

Every day was a torture to me. It was not that our friendship had dissolved due to that particular event. We still laughed together, cried together, helped each other out when needed like we always did since we met each other. But this…this was not what I wanted. I don't just want to be his best friend, his band mate, his roommate. I wanted him to love me the way I loved him. I wanted to claim the title of his lover. I just couldn't understand why he kept pushing me away even though he told me he did like me. If what others think was what he was worrying about, we could have kept this relationship a secret! We could have worked something out!

Now that I think about it, rejection is better than this. If it's rejection, I will get over him sooner or later. But he's not rejecting me nor accepting me, I don't know what to do! Do I keep on asking him? Should I change myself for him?

I shook my head in frustration and stood up. There was a letter on my table. It's another one from 'anonymous admirer'. I smiled to myself. This person wrote me a letter everyday. It had been around two years since I started getting these letters from him, or her. Somehow, they just appeared there without any explanation. This person's letters always cheered me up.

I opened the envelop and took out the slip of paper inside, reading each hand-written word carefully.

_Ittoki-kun! How are you doing today? I looked up at the sun yesterday and suddenly got some inspiration! I… I wrote a song for you… Even though they're just lyrics, I hope you will like it! It's named "My Sunshine"_

_My Sunshine- by Anonymous Admirer _

_Cries of help from deep inside me sounds._

_The desperation of being free._

_Until you came into my world I've never felt,_

_This feeling of being me_

_Rains, clouds, are all cast away_

_Since that day my sunshine came_

_Your smile that lights up my world_

_Never failed to make my heart swirl_

_My sunshine in my life_

_Is what's keeping me alive_

_Cries of desperation from deep inside me rings_

_The sadness of being betrayed_

_Until I've found you in this world, I've never felt_

_The feeling of being me._

_Rains, clouds, are all cast away_

_Since that day my sunshine came_

_Your smile that lights up my world_

_Never failed to make my heart swirl_

_My sunshine in my life_

_Is what's keeping me alive_

_So don't ever let me down_

_Don't ever leave me behind_

_Cause if you're gone I'll drown_

_Cause if you go I'll never find_

_The same feelings I had for you._

_Rains, clouds, are all cast away_

_Since that day my sunshine came_

_Your smile that lights up my world_

_Never failed to make my heart swirl_

_My sunshine in my life_

_Is what's keeping me alive_

_This sunshine is what's keeping me alive._

_So? Did you like it? I figured that I'd do something special since this is the 950th letter. As always, I wish you a good day and a happy life!_

_-Anonymous admirer_

I looked at the lyrics over and over again. Tears started to fall off my cheeks uncontrollably. I covered my mouth to block out the whimper that was bound to escape from my lips.

I'm sorry… I'm really sorry but I can't return your feelings. Not now, not ever, because my heart already belongs somewhere else. It belongs to someone else since a long time ago… Although that someone couldn't return my feelings.

The anonym had already so many letters that one drawer was barely enough to contain them all. But still I wanted to keep all the kind and loving words that the anonym wrote just for me.

If only Tokiya was willing to do these things for me. If Tokiya was so kind to me. If Tokiya would pay any attention to me.

But I guess that it would never happen.

~.~

_**Tokiya**_

I peeked over the book I was pretending to read to look at Otoya's reaction to th letter. My heart was pounding in a stead beat. Did he like it? I thought to myself, quite excited to know the answer. My ears perked up when I heard Otoya sobbing almost silently. He was trying to hide it, but I knew him too well to oversee the fact that tears were falling off his eyes. Looking up, I saw that he had a smile on his face, too.

Luckily my efforts didn't go to waste.

I wanted to love Otoya, but it was something else that was acting as the wall between us. I wished I could tell him why, but I had promised sincerely that I wouldn't. It was my family's wish that I could not tell anyone until what should be done had been done.

Slowly standing up, I walked towards him and stood next to him. He was reading the lyrics again, hands trembling as more tears fell off. The thought of him crying because of me made my heart ache badly. If only my parents would listen to me and not to be so stubborn about all these. If only I tried to persuade that to listen to me harder. If only… I can't even do that much for Otoya.

I was such a failure. A failure as a singer, a failure as a son, a failure as a lover. I could not do anything to make everyone happy.

"What's the matter, Otoya? Why are you crying?" I asked him with concern, putting my hand on his shoulder. Otoya said nothing and shoved me the letter, telling me to read it myself.

Of course, I knew what was inside the letter good enough to make him cry. I could even recite the whole letter backwards, and the lyrics which I spent months writing.

I wanted to sing the song to him, let him hear that melody that I created with my whole heart and soul. It was something dedicated just to him; it was my words to him.

"This is heartwarming," I said with a smile and gave him back the letter. "I don't know that a fan will do that much for you. Lovely piece of lyrics." I complimented. But Otoya remained silent.

"Are you okay, Otoya?"

"I'm fine," he sighed. "I just need some time on my own."

He walked pass me and left the room, leaving me alone here to drown in my sorrows.

Since I was a child I was taught that music and lyrics were two of the best ways to express my emotions and feelings. I had learned how to use them, to create something on my own. Whether it was for myself or for others, I couldn't find any ways more sincere than writing a song to the one you care about the most.

I went to a practice room nearby which was luckily empty. I spent countless hours here, muttering the lyrics to myself and playing the chords over and over again. I sang alone. The melody filled the room. The melody which Otoya would never have a chance to listen to. The melody which contained all my true feelings towards him. The melody which was made for the sunshine in the darkest times of my life.

And no matter how many clouds blocked my sun, that glimpse of sunshine would always find its way to me and show me the way out.

He was with me through the worst situations, and I would not have made it out if it won't him who helped me up. Otoya was my sunshine. Till now, he still was guiding me through life, and guiding me towards the future.

He was my light in the darkness.

And without this light, I could not survive.

~.~

_**Otoya**_

I ran through the halls. The emptiness of my heart reminded me of how isolated I was.

I ran and ran. I needed fresh air. I was desperate to get outside. Outside of this building that gave me this feeling of suffocation.

Finally, I reached the doors and swung them open. Wiping away some of the tears that were falling, I a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. The refreshing air and the quietness of the school garden always calmed me because of its relaxing atmosphere. The wind that was blowing and the sun shining. The smell of flowers and grass and the chatter of animals. I always came here when I needed to be alone to think properly.

I walked to a tree and sat down under its vast shades. I closed my eyes, listening to the sounds of the nature I liked so much. With the rustling of leaves when the winds blew by, chirping of birds, and the small noises made by the summer beetles.

Slowly and unnoticeably, I drifted off to sleep.

…

When I opened my eyes, a concerned Tokiya was the first thing I saw. Startled, I sat up on top speed, but not daring to look at him directly.

"Tokiya…what are you doing here?" I asked him, rubbing my eyes. Still a bit drowsy, I leant against the tree and looked up at the sky. It was decorated with thousands of stars, shimmering like jewels on a dark gown. I must had slept through the entire afternoon.

"It's already eight in the evening. Since you missed today's rehearsal, everyone got worried and sent me to find you." Tokiya informed as he sat down next to me. Rather closely.

I tried not to stare at him but it was inevitable. The moment I saw his faraway expression I was captured by it. His facial features were really beautiful. Long eyelashes, with indigo colored eyes to match his hair. His nose, his lips…

I wished he belonged to me.

I stood up after a while, not wanting to be too close to him. Being too intimate with him would make me feel like he was accepting me. And these thoughts just made so difficult for me to accept the reality.

Not giving time for Tokiya to stop me, I turned and started walking inside without saying another word.

Was I going to be bound by you forever Tokiya?

Would I ever be able to forget you when we part ways?

Even though I wanted the answers to these questions to be yes, this would only be an unfulfilled wish. I would not ever be able to forget this if I never got the reason from him. It would always remain as a fresh wound and never heal.

I would be drowning in the regret of not being able to let go of him.

~.~

_**Tokiya**_

First love never works out.

That was what people always said. That was what I had been told.

Maybe that was true after all. Or maybe it was not. But I am sure, even if this relationship did not work out for us, I would never regret that I met Tokiya. He brought so much good times in my life that was too hard to put aside.

And this one-sided love… I could not do anything about it, could I? It was all up to fate; it was fate that brought us together and started a new page of my life.

Even if I did not want our story to end, it would eventually sooner or later. Either when we died or when we parted ways.

I had a feeling that this story between us would not be smooth. We had too many strings attached, too much complication. It all entwined into a big spider's web that trapped us two together, unable to escape or hide from our destiny.

I looked at him as he walked inside the school door without even looking back. Maybe this was how the story would end. One of us walking away when this relationship become too much to take.

When the overwhelming emotions exceeded one of our limits, our story would be coming to its end.

And it will definitely not be a happy one.

I sighed deeply as is stood up as well and followed Otoya from behind.

The light in our room was switched on, which meant that it was occupied. I could not help but to feel releived; that also meant that Otoya did not plan to run away from me tonight for the second time.

Otoya was lying on his bed. His eyes were closed and his face remained emotionless, but I know he wasn't asleep yet when I heard the sound of his unsteady breathing.

Since when did I start noticing small details like this about Otoya?

Perhaps it was after he confessed. No. Maybe it was after I started to realize my feelings. Every tiny detail of him became much more distinct to me.

Humming softly, I took a piece of paper from my desk and started thinking. I stared at the white sheet of paper for a while.

What should I write about? I wondered.

The wind was blowing into the room through the half-opened windows. Otoya's hair was frizzled ever so slightly.

The answer was obvious.

I picked up the pen and wrote all my thoughts out until I was out of ink.

~.~

_**Otoya**_

Hi Ittoki-kun! It's me again. Did you see the stars yesterday? They were beautiful. Those stars seemed to be comforting me. Telling me life is gonna be fine. You're like my star in the sky. Everytime I listen to your songs, I'll cheer up immediately. Your voice is so cheerful and gentle that I couldn't help but fall in live with it. The things you say are always so funny, cheering me up at all times! I felt like all my fears ran away and I would be happy forever.

Thankyou, Ittoki-kun, for saving my life. For if it was not for you, I would've already given up living in this cruel world. I wish you a good day and good life!

-Anonymous Admirer

Unsurprisingly, I found another letter on my desk in the morning right after breakfast.

I smiled while reading the letter. I didn't know that my presence was actually so important to that someone; it flattered me.

It's been three days since the 950th letter. My drawer was officially filled with handwritten letters. I had to put this one in another storage box or else my drawer would collapse from the weight the papers were giving.

Me and Tokiya didn't talk to each other at all since that day. Something in between us had suddenly expired and turned into something we had never experienced before.

We seemed more distant from each other but somehow, we were actually closer inside.

I could understand what he is feeling now even without asking. Sometimes when he was smiling like he was having a good time, I could see that he was hiding his anger or sadness. Sometimes when he was laughing, I knew something was off about his laughter and he didn't mean it with his whole heart.

After all these things we had been through, I think I knew him better now.

Maybe it was me who noticed more details. Maybe it was Tokiya who opened up a little. But that was not what mattered.

The point was that we could understand each other through and through.

I turned towards Tokiya. Sometimes I wondered if these letters were actually all written by Tokiya. Since he was my roommate, it would be more than easy for him to send those letters to me. But every time I got a letter, he was either doing something or was not in our room at all. It was impossible for him to place something so obvious on my table without being noticed by me.

Besides, he would never write something so cheesy but romantic for me. I mean, if he was the one, what was his motive, anyway? Was he playing with me? Toying with my feelings so that he could mock me afterwards? Saying that he could not date me but at the same time writing letters like these to me…it would be too cruel for one to do so.

So I stopped suspecting Tokiya out of no reason at all.

I would know very soon who the person who was writing me letters. On the five hundredth letter, that person asked me to meet him/her on the day after the thousandth letter. Because, right after that letter had been sent, that person would have to leave and couldn't send me anything anymore.

I did not know what that meant. That person is always talking about 'cruel world' and 'I can't bear it if it happened.' I wondered if he/she is talking about death, which was the worst way to solve anything.

No matter who that person was, I hoped that he/she was happier now.

Times passed quickly and the day of our meeting would soon approach.

~.~

_**Tokiya**_

I was walking endlessly towards nowhere to be exact in the pitch dark. I could not see anything, and the chillness was consuming me.

I could see a glimpse of light.

It was Otoya who was in front of me.

He was sobbing, shoulders shaking violently as his tears fell. I wanted to go to him, I wanted to comfort him, but I could not move all in a sudden, as if my legs had been frozen.

He looked at me. Sorrow, anger, pity, love mixed in his lightless eyes.

"Why didn't you try harder Tokiya..." He whispered and turned, walking away from me, slowly fading away in the dark.

No, Otoya. Don't leave me.

No…

"No!"

I sat up, startled and panting.

Another torturing nightmare. They haunted me almost every night, waking me up and leaving me sleepless on my bed.

With the thousandth letter nearing, these dreams got worse.

Would he accept the truth? What would he say…

For the first time in my life, I am scared.

Scared of Otoya rejecting me.

Scared of Otoya looking down on me.

Scared of the possibility of him leaving me.

When my parents forced me to marry that girl, I nearly broke down for their betrayal. They know that I hate these kind of things. They know that I don't like being restrained.

They know that I like Otoya.

I wonder what would happen to me if Otoya rejected me as well.

I would die perhaps. If it was not physically, then from that moment on, I would be dead inside.

I would become a body without a soul.

Today, I'm already at the 980th letter. There's only twenty-one days left till I meet Otoya as 'Anonymous Admirer" that he adored and cared about so much. I have to get myself together and perhaps write a speech?

I was such a coward. If it was not that I was forced to leave, I would never have the courage to tell him face to face.

I had to leave STASRISH in less than a month to fulfill my parents' wish that would bind me forever. I would never be able to come back here and laugh with my friends again. I would never be able to sing, dance or have fun with them again.

And the most important point was that I will never be able to see Otoya again.

I would never see his smile, his voice, his face that I loved so much. I would not be his best friend, his band mate or his roommate anymore. I would not ever have the chance to call him my lover either.

As by that time, I would've belonged to someone else.

I loved Otoya; I really did. I loved him so much that it hurt me inside. But I had to keep this a secret from him for his own sake. If I told him anything so early, we would both find it harder to part with each other.

I want this parting to be easier for us to bear.

~.~

_**Otoya**_

The thousandth letter had arrived. I had been waiting for this day for the past two years.

I held the letter in my hand, my heart filled with excitement. I would know who was anonymous admirer all along by tomorrow! The person who gave me so much strength through these two years, cheered me up when I was feeling down, willing to give without taking.

The person who I would never forget…

Ittoki-kun! Our meeting is tomorrow, are you excited? I guess I have to leave from tomorrow onwards but I really want to meet you first! So, can you go to the airport tomorrow at noon? My flight would be at one so please don't be late! I will be at the canteen. If you see someone sitting by the window with a pile of paper on the table, it would be me! Don't worry, I am sure you'll recognize me then. Wish you a happy day and a cheerful life!

-Anonymous Admirer.

I clutched the paper tightly. I would soon meet the anonym…

My heart pounded with excitement stirring up in my chest. I wished time would pass faster…

~.~

_**Tokiya**_

Tomorrow was the day of my confession.

Both my confession of hiding my identity, and my confession of love.

I had to face Otoya and tell him the truth, because I did not want to leave him with regrets and unfulfilled responsibilities.

Tomorrow I would have to go and face my destiny.

I would have to try and convince Otoya to run away with me.

I would have to reveal my most emotional sides to Otoya.

I dropped my head in desperation. This was going to be so hard for me. I wish time would pass slower...

~.~

**_Otoya_**

I looked at my watch as I ran into the airport canteen hastily. It's already twelve thirty; I was already late. The anonym said that I would recognize when I saw him/her, but I did not know what that meant.

But I suddenly realize what that person meant when I saw someone familiar sitting by the window.

His head was down and a pile of papers stacked neatly on the table in front of him. He has indigo hair, quite long and was starting to reach his shoulders. He was wearing a dark leather jacket which I swore I had seen somewhere before.

Slowly, I walked up to him.

"Are you…"

He heard my shaky voice, paused his writing and looked up.

It was Tokiya.

My eyes widened and my heart stopped beating for a second.

Is this some cruel joke? What… What is he doing here?

I wanted to run away but my feet would not move, as if they were stuck on the floor.

I could not believe it. He was the 'Anonymous Admirer' all along.

He, Tokiya Ichinose was the one who wrote me that sweet song.

I had so many questions to ask him, but no words came out of my mouth. I couldn't speak.

We stared at each other for a while. I couldn't see his eyes because he too, was wearing sunglasses.

Tokiya was the one who broke the tension.

"Look Otoya. I know what you're thinking about, and you've got it wrong. I really have something to tell you…" Tokiya started but I cut him off midway.

"I… I don't get it! I was looking forward to meeting my anonymous admirer so much! And it…it turned out to be you! Why is it you? Is this a joke? Are you making fun of me? Cause it's not funny at all! I wanted to meet the person who was so kind to me, not the one who hurt me so much!" I shouted at him with all my might.

People were starting to stare. Tears were starting to well up in my eyes. Without thinking, I turned and ran. I ran outside of the canteen and outside of the airport. I did not know where was I going and nor did I care. I just wanted to get away from Tokiya as far as possible..

Why did he do this to me...

~.~

_**Tokiya**_

I quickly gathered all my papers, stuffed them into my bag, picked up everything, and ran after him without another thought. I saw a flash of red running outside and I quickly followed him. My heart ached when I saw him crying.

He is crying because of me, he is suffering because of me…

"Otoya…" I said. He did not turn but I knew he was listening,"This is the last letter you will ever receive from me." I left a sheet of paper on a bench beside him, and walked away without saying goodbye.

I never wanted to say goodbye to you, Otoya; not now, not ever.

A few minutes later, I boarded the plane. Leaning back wards on my seat, I tried not to think about my failure…

Goodbye, STARISH.

Goodbye, Otoya.

This would be the last time I would appear in your lives.

~.~

_**Otoya**_

I waited for Tokiya to leave. I did not want to see him.

I saw the last letter he would ever give me and picked it up, wondering if I should open it and read what was inside.

What could be inside? There should not be any untold words by him now. Our connection was cut and there was nothing left to say.

Otoya,

I wrote this letter because I knew that you wouldn't listen to me. It was so ironic that I had not realized how much I knew you until recently.

I guess I should start from Christmas when I heard the news from my parents that broke my heart.

My mother has cancer. And on Christmas day, a letter arrived for me from my father. The doctors said that she wouldn't live longer than two years. He said that it was my mother's wish to see me marrying a woman that can support me through life and help me when I have problems. He told me that they already chose someone.

She was a childhood friend of mine, and our families knew each other very well. My mother thought that she would make a perfect wife for me.

I wasn't willing at first because of you, but I was forced to agree for this was my mother's last wish.

The day after you confessed to me, I didn't know what to do or say. I didn't want to hurt you but the truth is, we could never be together no matter we like it or not. I didn't want to make the situation even harder for us.

They wanted me to marry her as soon as possible, but I pushed the date backwards for many times, using work and school as my excuse. But my mother's condition got worse. This time, they set the date, got everything ready for the wedding before informing me first. When I heard that mother is dying, I knew that I had no choice but to go back and have the wedding. I'm really sorry that I didn't manage to convince them. I really am.

At first, I started writing you those letters so that I could express my true feelings for you and help you with the things that I couldn't help with. But, I slowly started to enjoy writing these letters to you and see your happy expression when you read them, giving me my motivation to live on.

I convinced myself that this would be enough for me, but lately, I found that it isn't.

I wanted to hold you in my arms like all the other lovers do. I wanted to kiss you on the lips and tell you I love you. I wanted to hold your hand when we go out on a date. I wanted to do these things really badly, but I couldn't.

I didn't want our departure to be difficult for us to handle; that was why I didn't tell you this secret. If I told you, I must find some way to convince my parents to listen to me. But then, my mother is dying and I did not know what to do! I didn't want to lose you, but I don't want to see my mother disappointed in me when she dies as I've already saddened her by leaving my hometown and becoming Hayato here.

I am sorry that I couldn't love you. I am sorry that I've constantly hurt you through these two years. I really am a failure huh? I did not have enough courage and singlehandedly ruined your chance to be happy.

Tomorrow was the day for my wedding and I had to leave today. I wanted to say goodbye but I couldn't leave if you are the one who was there, saying farewell, knowing that I would never see you again.

Forget me and find someone else that is worth your time. For I am not worthy to you.

Farewell Otoya…enjoy the rest of your life.

I love you.

Tokiya

Time stood still. Everything stopped.

I stared at the letter, shocked.

Tokiya loved me all along…

I dropped the letter. What have I done? He must be thinking that he was rejected right now. He must be heartbroken.

I started running back to the airport without a second thought.

I hoped I could still make it. I hoped I could explain everything to him; I had to explain everything to him, I had to tell him that I won't blame him.

I never wanted to let go…

I doubled over as I arrived the departure entrance, panting.

There was no Tokiya.

He had already left.

Tears started rolling down my cheeks.

I love you Tokiya, and I'll always do.

~.~

_**Tokiya**_

I put on my headphones and listen to nothing, just blocking out the noise from the streets.

After I disappeared, every big headline is talking about me and the rest of the ex-members of STARISH. I wasn't in Japan anymore so I didn't know. All I knew was that they disbanded not long after.

In my heart, I knew all the reasons…

Otoya wouldn't have the heart to sing anymore. Masato would have to go back to work in his family business, Cecil have to go back to be his king. The other three and Nanami wouldn't keep on singing without us.

I walked onto the streets. How long have it been that I had been outside at all? Maybe three months, maybe four, or even more. Sitting by the window all day and staring at the blue sky with the sun shining through the window makes me feel better. Besides, I didn't have the energy to move around. I couldn't feel anything inside me. Even when I divorced with the girl right after my mother died I chose to stay here, in England. I could not face Otoya.

I didn't have the courage to.

I waited impatiently for the lights to turn, tapping my foot on the sidewalk. I tried to make this trip as fast as possible and go back home to drown in my own sorrows. The lights turned and I started walking. Halfway through, I passed a redhead.

It is not Otoya.

Maybe it is.

It is not Otoya. I told myself again.

~.~

_**Otoya**_

I went to England after STARISH disbanded.

Four months ago, I arrived here, wanting to start a new life without any memories of Tokiya.

And now, I was in a hurry to work.

I kept looking at my watch. Come on… I am going to be late again. Why am I late for everything? The lights turned and I started walking.

The corner of my eye caught a glimpse of blue.

It is not Tokiya.

Even if it is, it wouldn't change anything.

~.~

**_Third person_**

When they walked to the ends, they both stopped.

Just in case… was what they told themselves. They both turned. And looked into each other's eyes. They stood there and stared for a long while.

~.~

_**Tokiya**_

I knew that long before we went our separate ways. Maybe, somehow, someday, we would cross roads again as strangers. Strangers who no longer have anything to do with each other.

I have already drawn the full stop to this story and continuing would be impossible. I had no regrets.

However…

It was still good to see you again, Otoya.


	2. side story

I am really sorry if you think that this is the second chapter, well basically it is, but this is a song fanfic, based on Mirai no Chizu. Uh kind of like talking about how they feel after Tokiya left.

Tokiya

**On this earth, for what reason did we meet?**

Why was it that we had chosen each other? Was there really a reason that we were with each other for all these years?

Because it's love…?

You must be kidding me. There is no true love in this world. I know that.

Right?

After all this time we spent together, we finally have to part ways.

**Can you see the sky?**

Can you see it?

The sun that brought us together. It was shining so brightly today. How ironic; inside my heart there was a raging storm, and tears were falling down like the rain.

**After passing through thousands of year…**

How long had it been since I was by your side, unconditionally loving you?

I did not care if it was unrequited or not…as long as you were here with me.

**One single melody**

The song I wrote for you, did you like it?

It was written with my heart and soul; I hope you understood what was I trying to convey.

**We've finally learnt it today**

These feelings were getting stronger even by now…

Without you by my side, without my sunshine, my day grew dark.

I need you…

I love you, Otoya.

Otoya

**We'll be…**

What did this make us? Are we strangers? Best friends? Or love interests?

What would become of us?

**Deep inside your heart**

Had you tried your best to love me?

You could had told me from the beginning then it would not be so hard for me when you left.

You were just being selfish, you were only making it easier yourself.

**Maybe…**

Or maybe not anymore. Maybe I didn't feel anything now.

Because I did not know what to feel anymore.

Happy that you had accepted me?

Sad that you left me?

Angry that you have never confessed like you should have?

**I'll shine a light upon you**

I'm your sunshine, right?

Didn't you say I was your sunshine and that you could not live without me?

If you really meant it, then come back to me.

**Make your happiness**

I wanted to be the one who would make you happy.

The only one who was capable of doing it.

**And**

I want to tell you that.

You're my sunshine too…

Tokiya

**I want to give it to you**

I wanted to give you my comfort, my strength.

And I wanted to give you my heart, my soul, my body.

And be with you,

**Always…**

Always be by your side. Always loving you. Always making you happy.

That was my only wish.

**Be with me.**

I could not be next to you anymore. I could not watch over you.

I hope I'm always in your heart.

For you'll be in mine forever.

**I want to believe in my future**

But then, without you, there was no future anymore.

I wanted to believe that there was one for me.

I wanted to get over you and go on with my life.

But I simply couldn't.

Because you left a wound in my heart.

A wound that would never heal and continue to grow…

Otoya

**You're not alone. We will wrap our arms around you. Protect you as you currently are.**

They always said that.

But could they understand how much pain I am in now?

How could these words come out of their mouth so easily?

They would never understand.

I could not feel comfort from those hugs.

All I can sense is pity.

Ever since Tokiya left,

I was alone.

No words of comfort got into my ears.

All I could feel is the pain of being left behind.

All I could hear are those words Tokiya left me with before he went away.

**Let your heart cry out with the musical note that has your name on it.**

That song…

The song he wrote for me

The song he used to express his feelings.

The song that I had come to despise of hearing after he left.

The song that is a constant reminder of Tokiya.

Why did he chose to leave me?

**The map that leads to tomorrow, dyed with seven colour…**

There was no colour left in my world.

Ever since that day…


	3. Chapter 2

**_Decided to update first? Hope you like it._**

**_Tokiya_**

The wind blew through the window and I stared at the blazing sun outside. An unwanted melody started playing in my head, reminding of him. The person I loved, the person who helped me through life, the person who I left behind.

Maybe it was time I should go back to Japan and visit the members of STARISH and the school. I mean, Otoya was in England anyways, I wouldn't see him right?

I actually really missed Otoya. Since our accidental meeting on the streets, I had kept myself locked in the house, not wanting to face him or the world.

That time, I was the one who chose to walk away…

However, it was really good to see you again, Otoya

I gave him a sad smile and turned away, trying my best to ignore the urge to turn back and run to him, hugging him, kissing him…

And tell him how much I loved him.

I made sure I was out of sight before the lights turned and bringing Otoya running to me. I hid around a corner.

My heart ached when I saw him ran past, his face as white as paper, looking everywhere for me.

He was screaming my name.

I walked away as fast as I could, trying to convince myself that I did not hear anything at all.

_I am so sorry…_

I slumped back into my chair, face buried in my palms.

I should go back to Japan.

I should leave this place that brought me so much sorrow, and return to where it had all started.

Maybe I could forget after revisiting my mistakes…

**_Otoya_**

I wondered how Tokiya was doing? He seemed quite well to me. He looked just the same as I last saw him

Maybe he doesn't need me to be happy anymore…maybe he did not mean it when he wrote all those letters.

I missed him, I really did. Even if I knew deep down inside my heart that it was perhaps unrequited…

"Tokiya!" I screamed his name while running through the streets.

I was absolutely sure that he was not my imagination.

I ran across the streets, looking for him everywhere, completely forgetting that I was already late for work.

Tokiya is the first priority. I told myself.

But the picture of his sad smile flashed inside my head.

The picture of him turning away from me…

It was then when it hit me that he did not want to see me anymore.

I crumpled to the floor.

This was all too much to bear…

I did not know how I got to work.

But then, everyone was staring at me as if they saw a ghost

I must have looked like one. My eyes were hollow, my feet were shaking, and my face was as pale as snow.

And so, my boss told me to take some time off and rest my body.

Since I have this one week holiday, maybe I should visit Japan.

Japan…this certain place would bring back so many unwanted memories, but I had to face it someday, and I did not want to drag this even further.

And maybe, just maybe, Tokiya would be there…

I made up my mind.

_I will go back._

**_Tokiya_**

Stepping off from the plane, I solemnly weaved through the people to get me stuff.

A girl was staring at me.

Oh no.

I forgot to put on disguise except for a pair of fake glasses.

After so long, I thought that people would have forgotten about me already.

But apparently, that girl was a fan.

I tilted my head at her and gave her a small smile, putting my finger to my lips, indicating for her to keep quiet while giving her a wink.

The girl's face went red at once. She looks like she's about to faint.

I took that moment to take my stuff and walked away as fast as possible.

Phew.

Just then, I noticed that people were starting to stare.

I clutched my coat closer and prayed that no one noticed me.

But then, I started to hear the sound which I hate most.

Screaming.

I covered my ears and wrapped a scarf around me.

But people were already tailing me.

They were surrounding me.

I couldn't breathe.

This is a disaster…

**_Otoya_**

The weather today surely is nice…

I put on my cap, sunglasses and scarf and headed for my luggage.

I walked slowly towards it, trying not to catch attention as I know that people would still recognize me.

I got my stuff and started walking towards the exit where a car from the academy was waiting.

But then, I saw a big group of people near the exit. They were surrounding something, screaming could be heard. The sound of cameras flashing and the girls chattering makes me want to turn away.

I tried to hear what they were saying.

"Isn't that Tokiya..." one said. "I thought he disappeared…"

"The band split up because of him?"

"Ichinose-san, can you tell me why you left?"

"TOKIYA I LOVE YOU!"

My eyes widened when I spotted the familiar blue inside the circle of people.

He was clutching his head and looked like he was about to faint.

But I was too shocked to do anything. I just stood there, my brain analyzing what I've just seen.

Tokiya is in Japan. He is here.

What is he doing here? What should I say to him? What should I do?

I have planned our meeting in my mid a thousandth of times. I have thought of the words I need to say

But this is just too soon.

My brain only stopped thinking franticly when I saw him crumpling to the floor.

Without thinking, I rushed to him, pushing and shoving my way through the crowd.

He has fainted.

Please be okay… You have to be okay…

I didn't know what to do. My heart was pounding so hard.

"Is that Otoya from STARISH?"

"Oh my God it really is him!"

The sound of the girls' screaming just made me feel even more frustrated. "Can I please get some space here!?" I yelled, but their chattering drowned my voice.

Suddenly, someone put a hand on my shoulder.

"Calm down Ikki…" A voice whispered into my ear.

I automatically swatted the hand away from me and turned frantically at the sudden intruder.

It was Ren.

What was he doing here now?

"Ikki, I'll carry him outside…" He kindly suggested and reached out to pick Tokiya up.

I slapped his hand away again. "Don't you dare touch him!" I shouted at Ren and struggled to support Tokiya's body.

He was staring. I knew he was staring. Everyone was staring at me.

It would make headlines tomorrow perhaps. "Previous band members' scandal in the airport."

Ren sighed and said, "Fine. You bring him out and I'll distract the crowd. Got it?"

He then quickly took off his disguise and winked at the girls and the camera. Just like his old self; he did not change at all.

But all I could think about was Tokiya.

Tokiya… What happened to you?

Why did you…

_Don't scare me like that…_

**_Tokiya_**

I opened my eyes.

I couldn't see anything.

I blinked once.

Twice.

And through my hazy and unclear vision, I saw a redhead walking away.

_No…_

_Don't leave._

_Please stay..._

I tried to reach out.

But my body wouldn't move.

_No..._

And my vision went dark again...

When I opened my eyes again, what I saw was a white ceiling.

After a while, I realized that I am in a hospital room.

What happened?

I was in the airport...

Those screaming...

I clutched my head in pain when I recalled those screaming and accusing words.

_"Wasn't he the cause of the disband of STARISH?"_

No... It's not my fault... No...

I struggled to breath.

Suddenly, a voice called out. "Ichi, are you okay?"

It was Ren.

I calmed down and started to breathe normally again.

"I... I am okay, I am okay." I stuttered, trying to assure myself.

Ren smiled at me with a hint of sadness in his eyes. "The reports are going to come soon." He told me. "Are you really okay?" He gave me a worried look.

"I am fine." I looked at him and sighed. "Really I am... Was... Was Otoya here?"

Ren looked at me as if I was out of my mind. "Why would he be here?"

Then, the door opened and a doctor walked in, his expression grim.

"Ichinose-san, the reports came but I have some bad news..." The doctor trailed off and looked at me.

I nodded at him, indicating him to say it.

"You have anxiety disorder for some unknown reason, have you ever experienced breathing problems before?" He asked me.

Anxiety disorder.

Anxiety disorder.

What's happening to me right now...

"I... before, no... but just now in the airport..." I tried to remember. "There was screaming, those words they said... I don't know... They said I caused the disband of STARISH... It's... It's not my fault... No..." My breath started to get heavier.

"Deep breath..." The doctor told me. "Deep breath... Again..."

I did what the doctor told me to. In... Out... In... Out...

And then I was not out of breath anymore. I laid back onto the bed and closed my eyes.

"So I am saying it again, you have a very bad case of anxiety disorder." the doctor said. "I would suggest you avoid any negative emotions or any negative thoughts. If you have an attack, just remember. Calm down and breathe. If you couldn't, then call an ambulance as soon as possible and we will take care of it. Of course, I will give you some medication just in case."

I simply nodded.

Wouldn't it be better if I died? I don't care anymore because Otoya probably hate my guts now.

If Otoya doesn't need me, I don't have any reason to live anymore... My only hope now is that maybe Otoya still wants me here.

As a friend...

Ren patted my head. "You should get some rest Ichi. Don't wanna look like a ghost when you go back to the academy right?" He chuckled to himself. "I'll wake you up when we need to go okay?"

I directly ignored him and drifted off into another everlasting nightmare.

I woke with a jolt.

Ren was shaking me really hard.

"You're finally awake... Did you have a nightmare just now? You had breathing problems in your sleep. Again." He looked at me, concerned.

"I'm fine, stop it." I slapped away his hand and snapped.

"The car arrived half an hour ago, we're going once you're ready..."

I groaned and got off the comfortable bed.

"Who's going to be at the academy anyways." I said annoyed at Ren's constant rushing.

"Me, Masa, Syo, Natsuki and..." He trailed off.

"Who?" I snapped at him

"Uh... I just remembered that Cecil isn't coming here so there's no and..." He stated hesitantly, not looking directly at me.

Definitely lying.

"What about Otoya?" I asked on purpose.

He merely shrugged and went out of the room.

~·~

Otoya

I went back to my old room when I arrived at the academy.

There was someone living in here already.

It was decorated in pale green.

Quite a pretty colour I have to admit.

What would Tokiya be feeling now?

What exactly happened to him anyway?

I really wanted to know so my heart could calm down. Even just for a bit.

"Otoya!" A flash of yellow was what I saw before I was engulfed into a choking bear hug.

The guy ruffled my hair in a friendly way.

"Ne, how are you doing? Are you hungry? I made some food!" Natsuki kept on pestering me to eat his food.

For a moment, I stared at the red colored cookies.

Just how did he managed to make red colored cookies?

I stared at the plate.

And then at Natsuki, who is grinning happily.

Then back to the plate.

"Uh… I'm sorry but I really am quite full so…" I pushed the plate of red substance away from myself, keeping a safe distance, and gave him a small, polite smile.

"Really? But then it will go to waste surely…" His eyes suddenly lit up. Like how they always did when he had a 'brilliant' idea.

Oh no.

"Then why don't you keep some for Tokiya? He's gonna visit later too!" He took out a bag and shoved the red substances inside and pushed it into my hand.

"Here!" He laughed like a child and patted my head. "I'm sure Tokiya would be hungry! And I would definitely not like to see them in the bin…"

He is definitely not smiling friendlily.

"Uh…" I backed away from Natsuki. "Okay, I swear that they… um…will not go into the bin…"

"Oi! Didn't I tell you not to scare Otoya with those inedible cookies!" A blonde ran up to me and snatched away the bag, panting a little from the running.

Syo started shouting at Natsuki but he simply just ruffed his hair.

"Syo-chan is so cute when he's angry!" He knelt down, teasing him of his height.

"Don't call me cute! It is not manly at all!" Syo glared at him and they started screaming at each other like old times.

"Hehehe…" I laughed awkwardly and literally ran away from them.

They haven't changed at all…

I wish time could rewind and I could go back to when I met Tokiya at the airport…

Then things would certainly be different from now…

**_Tokiya_**

Once I stepped into the car waiting outside the hospital, I took a deep breath.

Thank goodness no one followed us.

When we arrived, I was once more amazed by the size of this school.

After being isolated from the world for so long, I have a lot to catch up to.

How can I continue to be a singer when I can't even be inside big crowds of people? But then since I came back out to this world, I should continue with my life.

Me and Ren slowly walked into the school.

I instantly felt self conscious when I felt the stares from the other students.

Whispering.

Accusing glares.

I looked downwards, not daring to face those students.

Some which were once my fans.

I have failed them as a singer.

I have left the world of fame, ruined everyone's lives, and wrecked my career.

Ren's arm was holding me by my shoulder, supporting me.

I really am useless.

The once familiar school is now so cold, so strange to me.

I felt lost.

Where do I belong now?

In England?

Here?

Do I even belong anywhere…

We kept on turning through endless hallways.

"Where are we going Ren?" I asked him, curious.

He looked surprised.

"This way only leads to our old practise room don't you remember?"

How could I forget about that music room. How could I?

That place full of happy memories with all of my friends and my beloved. Those days were the brightest in my whole life.

That music room is really pretty, it's…

It's…

How does it look like?

I started to panic. Why couldn't I remember.

It's…

"Ugh…" I groaned as my head started to throb.

It's like, I couldn't even remember their faces anymore.

How does Masato look like? Syo? Natsuki? Nanami? Cecil?

How does Otoya look like?

Why?

Why can't I remember how they look like? Why can't I remember their smiles?

Red was all I could recall of Otoya. The colour red. The beautiful colour of his hair and eyes.

I remember his tears. His scared look. His look of disgust. His empty eyes. All directed to me.

But I just couldn't recall his smile to me.

My memories made it seemed like me and Otoya never had any happy memories together. We've only experienced pain and sadness and nothing more.

I… I must be the one who made myself forget. I must have done that to urge myself to continue my life.

To not live in absolute guilt and toture.

I'll recognize them once I see them, just like I did with Ren. I tried to calm myself this way.

What would I do if I don't recognize Otoya?

Why am I worrying about this. If I don't recognize him it would just make it easier for myself. I wouldn't have to face him so soon.

Bang.

The door nearly slammed into my face as someone opened it from the inside.

Yellow. Glasses. Huge. Was all I could register in my mind before I was engulfed into a hug.

My hair was ruffled back and forth affectionately but all I could feel was annoyance and familiarity from this gesture.

"Tokiya you came to visit!" This is… Natsuki.

I sighed in relieve as I recognize him.

"Get off me Natsuki, you're crushing me."

I pushed his hand away from my head.

"You're so mean Tokiya, why are you and Otoya the same? He wanted to throw my cookies into the bin just now!" He huffed in rage.

I froze.

"Wait." I stared back at Ren meaningfully. "Why didn't you tell me that he would be here?"

He laughed. "If I told you then you wouldn't even have agreed to come here stupid!"

I backed away from the group.

"I wouldn't have come to Japan even!" I shouted. "Be considerate for one time! You know very well that I don't want to see him and I don't even want to acknowledge his presence

I scremed at them, panicking at those stares they returned, I quickly turned and ran out of the room.

To find Otoya standing outside, tears streaming down his face.

**_Otoya_**

"I wouldn't have come to Japan even!" Tokiya shouted. "Be considerate for one time! You know very well that I don't want to see him and I don't even want to acknowledge his presence

The only thing I could feel was pain. I couldn't help but started crying.

Does he hate me now?

I heard footsteps nearing the door.

I need to go. I told myself. But somehow my feet were rooted to the floor.

I couldn't do anything as Tokiya ran past.

It seemed like timed had slowed when he turned his head.

The look of shock on his face turned apologetic.

But still, he kept on running. And ignored me.

He doesn't even want to acknowledge my presence.

He must have hated me so much. But what did I do wrong?

Why… why is he like this to me?

Why.

I thought you love me.

I thought you can't live without me.

I thought you would be miserable if you made me cry.

Why aren't you doing anything to comfort me now?

Why are you running away from me like last time?

Why does this world have to be so cruel?

I don't know what to do anymore.

I made him hate me.

I made him detest me so much that he doesn't even want to acknowledge my presence.

I… I need something to relieve this pain in my heart…

I ran into my room and searched through my stuff.

With shaky hands, I took out the thing I would never use on myself again.

I picked it up with care and locked myself in the bathroom.

One strike.

He hates me.

The second.

He hates me.

The third.

He hates me.

…

I continued cutting myself and felt the weight on my heart lessen as more wounds appear on my arms.

It felt that I am finally free.

Free from this cruel cruel world, from Tokiya, from myself.

I stopped when my vision started to get hazy.

Breathing heavily, I treated my wounds and rolled my sleeves back down.

It felt so good.

But I know my limits.

I know that I can't overdo it.

I picked up the bloodied knife and wrapped it back up.

Everything is going to be fine.

Tokiya loves me.

Right?


	4. Chapter 3

_**Tokiya**_

If they knew that I wouldn't have agreed to come here if Otoya was here, then why did they trick me on the first place?

I did not understand.

Was I supposed to be happy to have Otoya around?

But then all I remembered about us are those arguments, those tears, cruel words and nothing more.

Had we ever been happy together, even just for once?

I remembered the pain during the time he had a girlfriend.

I remembered that sad smile directed to me, as if he was saying that I had already loft all of my chance.

When I ran outside, the first thing I saw was the tree. That tree we used to love sitting under when we had serious problems.

I stared.

It was no longer a big tree. What was left of it was its stump.

Maybe…that would be how we end up at last.

I heaved a sighed but then sat down by it anyways.

What should I do…

Otoya heard me saying those words I didn't really mean.

I had hurt him again. Should I perhaps apologize?

I did not want Otoya to hate me. I did not want us to end up like that tree.

Cut down to nothing but a stump.

"Damn it!" I swore and hit the ground with my fist hard, letting out some of my frustration. Taking deep breaths, I calmed myself down and leant against the stump.

Otoya, I wonder when it would be when we mend our relationship? When would it be when we could finally be with each other? When was it that we could finally grasp our chance for happiness?

Stretching my legs, I stared at the sky.

Today, the sunshine could not be seen.

I wondered what it meant for me.

For _us_.

**_Otoya_**

It hurts.

It hurts to know the truth.

But it hurts even more to face it after I had been avoiding it for so long.

And the truth was…

Tokiya hated me. He did not want me around. I had ruined his life and I had ruined mine.

Stumbling through the school hallways, I came to the window that I can see where our tree once stood.

But then, what I saw was the person I did not want to see most right now.

He was staring at the tree as a complicated emotion flashed in eyes.

Was it pain?

I couldn't even read him anymore. He became so distant to me. He had changed.

Or was it me who changed? Was it me who distanced myself from everyone?

I continued staring at Tokiya as he sat beside the stump.

The wind was blowing on his face and I couldn't help but recall the last time we both sat under that tree. I guess I was staring at him at that time, too.

His delicate features just capture my attention somehow, distracting me from my own thoughts.

"Damn it!" His voice startled me and I realized that he was actually crying.

I wanted to run to him and embrace him, telling him that everything would be okay and that I loved him.

But…

I was scared.

Scared that he would reject me and tell me that he hated me and wished for me to go away.

Then, I remembered.

It was Tokiya's lack of courage that ruined it for us the last time and I mustered up all the courage and started running outside.

Towards Tokiya.

Towards my chance of being happy once more…

Pushing open the school's front door, I ran towards him and engulfed him into a warm hug.

"Tokiya… I really love you! So please. Please accept me? Please tell me you love me!" I shouted into his chest. "I need you here with me! I don't want to lose you anymore! Please… Please Tokiya, say that you love me… Say that you'll never let me go again. Say that you'll never run away again…"

**_Tokiya_**

"Say that you'll never run away again!" He was embracing me, crying?

When I heard those words from him, I was so shocked.

I was so sure that I've lost my chance of being with him. I was so sure that he would hate the sight of me for leaving him.

For being selfish.

When what he said registered into my mind, I instantly hugged him back and patted his head.

"Otoya… you… You don't hate me?"

He looked up.

"Why would I hate you? I love you…" He answered while smiling a little. "I've waited so long for this day Tokiya!"

My heart pounded in my chest.

"Don't… Don't expect me to say stuff like 'I love you' back…" I blushed a little as I held him closer.

He laughed cheerfully. "Aw… Tokiya is blushing!" He pinched my cheeks and we played around for a bit like we used to.

And then, I stared into his eyes that shone with happiness.

He stared into mine.

The distance between us vanished when our lips melted together into a deep kiss.

I had never felt happier I my whole life.

So this was what you call love, right?

**_If this is how you want the story to end, you can stop right here. Because you will not like what will happen next. Well, you can read on, too, it's just another emotional roller coaster._**

**_What happens next will lead to a less cheerful ending. It is decided on your own whether it is a good ending or not. You can say it's a happy ending; you can say it is a sad one. Just to warn you, it will be the final and official ending of this story._**

**_Otoya_**

We were so happy the next few days. We did everything together, not even parting from each other for a second. But then, our worst nightmare came.

It was another normal morning when we woke up, cuddling each other and enjoying the warmth.

Suddenly, someone banged open our door and rushed inside. "Tokiya! Otoya! Wake up right now! You have got a lot of explaining to do." It was Syo.

"What…?" I sat up, my eyes half closing from the lack of sleep.

He basically shoved the magazine into my face. "Just look at this! Can't you guys at least remember that you are still famous for one moment?"

It was flipped to a particular page so I started to read.

**_Former STARISH members spotted in the academy garden, kissing? _**

**_As all of Japan know, STARISH disbanded around half a year ago due to an unknown reason. All of us believed that it was due to the disappearance of Tokiya Ichinose, formerly known as Hayato, a part that the band could not survive without._**

**_Then, just a while ago, a set of photos of Tokiya Ichinose, Otoya Ittoki and Ren Jinguji inside the airport and now we have another set of pictures taken of Ichinose and Ittoki in the academy, crying, laughing and… kissing. Yes, kissing._**

**_It was believed that the reason for Ichinose's disappearance was Ittoki's doing and a huge buzz started about them being lovers._**

**_And here you are, all the rumours confirmed by themselves. _**

**_But we all want to know, why did you leave Ichinose? What happened between you two? Ittoki, what is your love story with Ichinose?_**

**_I am sure all of us are interested to know about this…_**

**_..._**

The magazine go on about how Tokiya left for a woman, hurt me really bad and now the woman dumped him and he came running back to me. How his sense for loyalty never improved since the time he betrayed his management and went from Hayato to Tokiya Ichinose of STARISH.

Tokiya snatched the magazine article from me, frantically reading it over and over again, as if in daze.

Then I remembered.

Other people's opinions mean everything to him. He cares about how people look at him, how people think of him, but never cares of his own opinions.

I patted him on the head slightly and ruffled his hair.

"Don't listen to that, they are just jealous of you, we know that isn't true…" I tried talking to him in a soothing way.

He turned away and stayed silent for a while.

"Would you believe me if you are a fan?" He asked after taking a deep breath, staring straight into my eyes.

I hesitated. "If I am your true fan, then yes, I would believe whatever you say." I answered unsurely, not knowing if this could convince him. "And I can help you to explain everything, right from the top! I… I still have the letters you sent me back then, the last letter can prove everything! They would certainly believe you!"

Tokiya started laughing a little and pulled my mouth into a smile. "You don't have to get so worked up, I was just teasing you! I'm not the same Tokiya as before remember?" He gave me a small smile.

"Tokiya…" I smiled back and hugged him. "You really changed! I… I don't know what to say…"

He finally understand perhaps.

To me only Tokiya's opinion means anything. Only what he says will actually stay in my mind.

But then, this time, I cannot tolerate people insulting Tokiya without even knowing the truth. Isimply cannot tolerate the press who knows not a thing about the truth criticize Tokiya, making everyone believe their stupid lie, affecting our peace and quiet!

"Hey, maybe we should make a conference together and tell them the truth together so they won't misunderstand." I suggested with a smile.

Tokiya seemed taken aback by my smile. "Of course!" He too, smiled and leant back on the mattress. "I'm tired, let me sleep some more…"

I laughed and poked his nose, "Tokiyaa-!" I dragged out his name and fell on top of him, making him push me away a little.

"You're annoying, I want to sleep" He swatted my finger away from his cheek and turned away from me.

"Tokiyaa-" I pulled him back to facing me and gave him a kiss on the lips with a laugh. "Hehe, now we can sleep!" I cuddled him while closing my eyes.

"I think I am going to be sick, excuse me now." I hueard3 Syo's voice and chuckled to myself. It feels so good, holding Tokiya in my arms, it made me feel so safe, so needed, so loved.

Being with Tokiya is the best choice I've ever made.

**_Tokiya_**

How many times have I smiled these few days without feeling anything inside? How many times have I done that just to not make Otoya sad?

He seemed so happy these few days that I don't want to ruin his mood. I want to see his smile on his face and have no worries for anything especially me.

I guess the anxiety disorder will never ever come out huh. I won't ever let him know. Cause if he did, then he must freak out and get worried about me every second.

Since this morning when I heard the article, I wasn't feeling too good.

But I should be okay. I've changed. I… I am okay know am I not?

Otoya said it will be fine then it will be fine. Everything will be okay. I will be okay. We will be okay.

I wonder why Otoya kept all those letters though. I don't like him keeping them, they make me think of the past and kind of upset me, remembering the failure I was, the things I did to Otoya.

The press conference is starting soon and I am really nervous. Will they believe us anyways. I mean the letters could be fake to them and everything.

"It's going to be okay Tokiya…" Otoya smiled and gave me a kiss on the cheek, ruffling my hair.

"Hey! I just finished doing my hair, now I have to redo it again." I turned away and pretended to be mad, laughing a little when Otoya whined and follow me around like a lost little puppy.

Right.

Everything will be fine.


	5. Chapter 4

Otoya's POV

The press conference finally started and I can see that Tokiya is really nervous.

His face was pale and his hand was shaking so badly.

I wonder what happened. What happened to make him so scared of the crowd and camera flashes? I mean, we were singers not a long while ago.

I gave his hand an encouraging squeeze , then walking up to the microphone hastily, wanting to get this over with and then go back to the academy as soon as possible, staying out of other's attention.

Fumbling, I retrieved a piece of paper from my coat pocket and cleared my throat, a bit nervous.

"Uh… So about this rumor of us being a couple, yes, that is uh, true. We have just decided to be lovers and hope not to make a big fuss out of this. We prefer our lives now, with no people disturbing us and that's why we kept this relationship a secret." I bit my lip and glanced at Tokiya for support, but he kept his head down.

"And… I, I want to make it clear that this has nothing to do with Tokiya's disappearance at all, really, so please don't misunderstand or criticize Tokiya when you don't know anything! When… When you don't know how he suffered for making the decision to leave and how he feels! When you don't even know him, you have no rights to bad mouth him!" I said, determined to clear everything for Tokiya, who was staring at me, surprised.

Just when I opened my mouth to continue, Tokiya stepped forward and took the microphone.

"Actually, the cause of my disappearance is the arranged marriage planned by my dying mother. I couldn't refuse her when she said it was her last wish, so I went back to my hometown. She begged me when I went back, she begged me to marry the girl she chose for me… I had no choice! I couldn't accept Otoya's love because of this but I couldn't reject him either. Then… Straight after my mother's death, I divorced with the girl but I didn't have the courage to go back to Japan, to face Otoya. I… I thought I had lost all my chances with him but then, he still accepted me, even though I've hurt him so much, he still accepted me as his lover… I love him and I don't want anyone interfering with our personal lives!"

After finishing his speech, Tokiya leant onto me for support when I stared at him in awe. Happy that he said that for me.

I patted his back a little then looked up, into every one of the reporters' eyes firmly.

"Are you satisfied now? Please leave us alone from now on." I said and strode down stage with Tokiya trailing behind me.

"Wait!" One of the reporters shouted. "What about your anxiety disorder Ichinose-kun? Can you tell us more?"

…What?

Tokiya's P.O.V

I froze on my tracks.

How… How did he know…? How did they know…?

I squeezed Otoya's hand, trying to tell him to keep walking but he didn't response.

"Otoya, please keep walking… I'll explain when we get back." I said softly. "Please, I don't want to stay here anymore."

I tugged at his hand a little, trying to get him to move but he wouldn't budge.

"Come on, please."

His lips quavered a little and started walking away in quick steps, pulling me along.

Otoya angrily banged the door shut and I cowered away from him a little.

"I'm sorry, for… for not telling you." I apologized meekly.

Otoya sighed and turned towards me. "Can you not trust me so much to just tell me tell me that? Can you… You could have just told me! Did you know how worried I was just now when you collapsed at the airport and when you were spacing out on stage just now? I… I thought you were really sick or have some deadly disease!" He shouted, his face filled with pain and sadness.

"Otoya, I just didn't want to worry you and we were having such a nice time, I don't want to spoil it?"

He starting pacing around the room and seemed to be calming himself down.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you Tokiya… I understand what you are talking about." He walked towards me and caressed my cheek slightly, then pulling me into a warm embrace.

I wish we could stay like this forever.

Otoya's P.O.V

Tokiya has anxiety disorder and didn't tell me.

I have depression and haven't told him yet.

Should I tell him? Or should I let him find out by himself. I don't know what to do anymore.

I have to protect him from the media from now on, protect him from getting hurt. Protect him from the truth.

He got this disease because of me. It's all my fault.

"I'm going to make it up to you Tokiya." I spoke my thoughts aloud without realizing.

He looked at me, kind of startled. "What? No! I don't need you to make up anything to me, you did nothing wrong," He looked down, "Ugh, this is why I didn't tell you about my anxiety disorder Oto, I knew you're going to make a fuss out of it. Please don't worry; really, I'm going to be fine."

But then, his words made me feel even guiltier than before.

And I thought that he was the selfish one. He's so selfless right from the start. I'm the one who's always being selfish.

"I'm sorry, I really am. I'm sorry for pushing you over the edge and… And now you even have this disease, you… How can you continue in your career? I've ruined your dreams single-handedly." I covered my eyes, not wanting him to see the tears threatening to spill.

I heard him laugh a little and patted my hair.

"Don't be sorry silly Oto, it's not your fault at all. If you really want to, then make it up to me by stop thinking about this." He pursed his lips. "Forget about what happened before then we can start anew! I just want to be with you."

Yeah.

Forget about the past and start anew.

Tokiya's P.O.V

Lately, Otoya's been acting strange, unlike his happy cheerful self. Unlike the Otoya I knew and feel I love with.

He's changed somehow, keeping all his emotions bottled up and his thoughts locked securely inside his own head. He hasn't even smiled once since that day.

I thought we've cleared things up, I thought it's alright already.

Forget about the past and start anew right?

But then, what he is radiating is not negativity but some kind of… Twisted determination?

"Hey!" I waved my hands in from of his eyes to get his attention but got no response from him. God, he's spacing out, again. This is all he has been doing for the past few days. Spacing out.

Sighing, I used the way that always works with the innocent Otoya.

"Oto…" I breathed into his ear and planted a kiss on his neck.

Instantly, he jumped out of his stance and looked around franticly, like a lost puppy, and then, his whole face flushed red. "Wha… What?" He stammered, covering his face and adverting my gaze, flustered.

"I was saying, why don't we go to the mall or something? You've said no every single time and I seriously want to get out of this room, you know, to get a change of air. Being locked…"

"No!" he cut my words short. "No way you can go outside! You can't!" He looked at me and… I was surprised with the desperation in his eyes, as if I going out was a really dangerous thing, as if it will hurt me or take my life.

But then this time, I can't afford to go soft because of this, I'm not his puppet!

"Why can't I go outside Oto," I asked softly.

"Because of your anxiety disorder"

"I don't need your permission to go anywhere Oto, I'm just asking if you want to go to the mall too," I whispered, not wanting to hurt his feelings, but after being locked in here for two weeks, my patience is running short.

Hurt and betrayal. They were all I see in him right now.

"But… but why Tokiya, do you really want to go outside so much that you could say those words to me? Are you really that desperate?" I couldn't see his face; I didn't know how to answer.

"Otoya, I would be fine, I'm not just going to drop dead when I step out of this room right?"

"But… You can't go out! What if… what if you get hurt? What if people recognized you and started to surround you? I can't let that happen! I've already done so much to hurt you…"

(Note: Otoya has depression if you remember from the time Tokiya went back to school)

"Otoya, I said I would be fine, then I would be okay. I am not a baby; I can handle myself just fine! If I can't handle myself then you won't be the one who can either! You think being this childish would help with anything?" I couldn't stand his childishness anymore. All the frustration and anger I've been keeping in for the past two weeks came out.

Once again, Otoya turned away, his expression dark and I realized how extreme my words were.

"And… and besides, you would be there with me right?" I added.

He stood up from the bed and walked to the door. "No, you can go alone since you want to be away from me that much," he left those words with me and slammed the door with a resounding bang.

I sighed.

Whatever.

I'm not giving up this chance to go outside.

**_Otoya's P.O.V_**

Why couldn't he understand how I feel?

I was just doing this for his own good. It's not like I'm trying to keep him in there for eternity.

Or has he gotten tired of me?

NO, he wouldn't…

I looked back and saw Tokiya walking out of our room.

Why can't he understand that I'm just trying to protect him?

Maybe I should follow him, just to make sure he is fine. I hope he doesn't get into any trouble.

Making up my mind, I followed Tokiya out of the school and to the mall. He seems to be okay. He does't want to see me anyways, should I go perhaps. I don't want to bother him.

You think childishness would help with anything?

Suddenly Tokiya turned around and looked straight at me. "Otoya, just stop following me! It's kind of creepy you know." He took a deep breath. "I want some time away from you Otoya, leave me alone!" With those cruel words, he turned and practically ran away.

Maybe he really hates me?

I walked back into our room. It feels so empty without Tokiya here.

I wonder if he is alright alone?

A stinging pain throbbed in my heart. I guess he find me really annoying huh. And then, I became more and more aware of the blades in the cabinet beside me.

Just a little won't hurt? It feels good…

I couldn't get my mind of those blades. The only thing which could relieve me. But the pull was so great. I keep remembering those times when I used them, the feeling of every bad thing in my life seeping away together with my blood.

Just… a little?

Unconsciously, I took out the blades and stared at them. Only two strokes?

Yeah.

With the determination of stopping after two, I brought the blade down on my arms.

Once, twice.

**_Farewell Otoya, enjoy the rest of your life._**

The third time, the fourth.

**_You know very well that I don't want to see him and I don't even want to acknowledge his presence!_**

The fith. A cut on my wrists.

**_I want some time away from you Otoya, leave me alone!_**

Sixth. Another cut on my wrists.

The world started to go dark and I realized I've gone too far.

Throwing the blades onto the floor, I back away from them and towards the nearest sink and tried to stop the blood.

But it's not working. The world in front of me started swimming and I collapsed onto the floor, clutching my wrist.

Bang Bang.

"Otoya, are you in there?"

It was Tokiya?

I heard the door opening but saw nothing but black as something touched me.

"Oh god. No…"

And I slipped into darkness.

Tokiya's P.O.V

What… What is this sight in front of me?

What is happening.

Why would Otoya do this. Why?

Isn't he always the one who's been cheerful.?

Gasping, I stumbled backwards, leaning on the door for support.

Blood everywhere. In the sink. On the floor. All over Otoya.

I screamed.

Otoya, please be okay.

I won't leave you anymore… I'll stay by you forever. I don't need time away…

If you would just wake up.

Please…

You can't just leave me here, you can't just,

Die.

I love you. I love you.

"I love you Oto, so just wake up already!"

And then I realized. Was this the first time, I've ever said these words out loud? Was this why Oto was so insecure?

Why can't the doctors come faster. He's already loosing too much blood!

Everyone who arrived was looking at me accusingly.

I reached out to touch Otoya and I saw my hands.

They're full of blood. Full of his blood. I'm… I'm a murderer.

What do I do…

My breathing gets constricted as my heart started to beat faster.

I backed away from Otoya and tried to calm myself.

But it wouldn't work. All I could think about were those accusing looks they have given me.

It's my fault

I stumbled backwards as I started to feel faint from the lack of oxygen.

My legs gave out and I hit something with the back of my head.

And then everything faded out.


End file.
